This is the story of how the Lord changed my life. When this all began, I had one hope, but in the process of going through this, He touched every area of my life in profound ways.

It began with a wedding 21 years ago, September 30, 1977. Joe and I were so young, but so sure we knew what we wanted. So at the age of 17, the two of us got married. Although I had attended church for many years, neither of us were committed Christians. We never really talked about a family except to say that we both wanted one. And to agree that waiting was probably a good idea. But six months after the wedding, I found myself expecting, even though I had been taking the pill for months.

We were both shocked, but I got over it quicker and settled into the idea of being a mom pretty fast. Joe had a hard time and we both struggled through that. Nine months later I gave birth to our son, Patrick. I had a horrible time having him because I asked for an epidural that went high and caused me to go into respiratory distress. It was the scariest thing I had ever experienced. I had to have support breathing for over an hour. I believe that God actually had His hand on me to prevent the epidural from going any higher. I was convinced that I was going to die. I also had the worst spinal headache afterwards that kept me bedridden for 2 days. Not a good start for mothering at all. By the time Patrick was 6 months old I was determined to never, ever go through that again. I went to Planned Parenthood to see about getting my tubes tied. They turned me away explaining that they could not “help” me until I was 21. I was very disappointed, but decided I would be back as soon as I reached that birthday.

One month after my 21st birthday, I became pregnant again. I had missed using my diaphragm one time, thinking I was “safe” since I was still bleeding some. I was scared. But I knew “not” having him was not an option. At my first prenatal appointment I begged the doctor to let me get my tubes tied after the birth. He told me I was way too young. I asked each doctor I saw that whole pregnancy to please let me get my tubes tied. All but one said I was way too young. But they wouldn’t let me fill out the forms ahead of time. So I resigned myself to waiting until the birth to get the paper work done, but relieved that at least one doctor would allow it. Joe was in complete agreement about this being the last one. He really didn’t want any more children.

Meanwhile, scared of a repeat of the first birth, I found a wonderful book to help me try to have a drug free delivery. It was “Husband-Coached Childbirth” by Robert A. Bradley, MD. His book spoke to my heart about the reality of what God had designed into the birth process to make it safe and even joyful! I was skeptical, but hopeful at the same time. Coming so close to dying the first time, my only hope was to make it through alive. I didn’t know if I could do it naturally, but I didn’t want to die either. Well, this birth was a gift from God! I had only 6 hours of active labor and it was completely painless! I was surprised but so elated I couldn’t believe it! I had another son, Bobby. I was on cloud nine for days after. But the bitter decision I had made earlier still loomed large in my thinking. I was partly convinced that my good fortune in this birth was a fluke, not something I could count on. Plus, I believed that I was not a good mother because of the difficulty I had bonding with Patrick. I thought that I was lacking in maternal feelings.

So I was scheduled for the tubal ligation. The one doctor who agreed at my prenatal appointment had me fill out the forms. Joe was never asked to participate except to verbally give his agreement. This surprised me some, but since I was a bit of a feminist at the time, I thought it was fitting. I had Bobby on Friday night and was scheduled for the surgery the following morning. I was bumped that day and the next due to emergencies on the ward. On Monday, I was the fourth of four women scheduled for tubals. If I hadn’t been waiting for surgery, I could have gone home on Sunday. I was a very determined young woman, so sure this was what I wanted. There was only room for 3 surgeries on the schedule, so I was going to have to leave after all. But then one of the women ahead of me had some bad lab values and she was bumped. I got her slot. Looking back, I see that the Lord was offering me a way out that I didn’t see or take advantage of. I was just so sure this was the right thing to do.

Within three weeks I was having my doubts about the surgery. I was settling into mothering my new baby much more easily than I expected. I was having maternal feelings I had waited months to get with Patrick. I was so in love with both of my children, it was beyond anything I had previously felt capable of. But I was still so new at feeling like a good mother, I didn’t quite trust it. And I was telling everyone how great it was to not have to worry about being pregnant again. Deep inside, I was not so sure, though. By the time Bobby was three months old, the voice inside me was getting louder. I was having a hard time convincing myself that I had made the right choice even though I was still very vocal about how great it was to those who asked. When Bobby was six months old, I was not able to keep up the charade any more. I was devastated by my decision and mourned my loss of fertility. I threw myself into training to become a Bradley childbirth teacher, thinking this would somehow make up for not being able to have more babies of my own. But being around all those pregnant ladies was so hard! It just made my longing more intense.

During this time I made friends with a dear woman who was my mentor in childbirth education.She shared her love of the Lord with me and led me to recommit my life to Him. She was the first to mention to me the possibility of having my tubal ligation repaired. I was excited at the prospect. But Joe was still sure that we had made the right choice. He absolutely did not want more children. I prayed (and I am sure my friend, Jan, did, too) for him to change his mind. Within a month, he was telling me I could at least talk to the people at the Navy hospital about it. I am sure he believed they would not do it since it was completely elective. I had an appointment when Bobby was 18 months old. Suddenly there were open doors everywhere. I was able to be seen in the infertility clinic and scheduled for tests to see if the repair would be feasible. I had to send for the pathology report from the original surgery. Everything fell into place. I was told I was an exceptional candidate for their program as they were still new to the procedure and wanted practice. I was scheduled for my surgery on January 30, 1984. Bobby was two years and 3 months old.

The night before the surgery I was in my bed at the hospital. My friend, Jan, was with me a while after Joe went home. We prayed together and she left. I was alone and very afraid. I didn’t want to go through what I knew would be a painful ordeal if there would be no baby after. I cried out to God to be with me and to spare me this if there was no hope. I felt His presence and a gentle assurance that a baby would result from all of this. When I awoke from the anesthesia after the surgery the next morning, the first thing that popped into my head was “I am going to have a baby!”

My plan had been to have the surgery in January and be pregnant by March for a December birth. I was so sure God was going to give me a baby right away. I learned some interesting lessons about God’s timing in the 12 months it took before we had a positive pregnancy test. I kept asking Him “where is my baby?! You promised!”. I got my pregnancy test results the month I expected to be having my baby, December. I was so thrilled and so was Joe!

During the time that I was awaiting my surgery, I had been working as a childbirth educator and attending births. I was fortunate to attend my first homebirth. The mother was having a homebirth following a c-section. It was the most profound experience. I decided then that I would have my babies at home after my surgery. I was actually in my midwives’ office with a client when I had my pregnancy test. They were as thrilled as I was. I started prenatal care with them the next month. About half way through the pregnancy, one of the midwives moved away and I continued my care with the other, Roseanne. I had been relieved with my due date of July 6 because it was before the hottest time of year in San Diego. I was so glad it would be well over by the time August arrived. But God had another lesson in timing for me there. My daughter was born on August 9th. I had to do my last month twice when Roseanne and the back up doctor recalculated my due date. I was not happy about that! To top things off, my friend, Carrie, who was due in early August, had her baby on the 8th. I felt it added insult to injury! But that night, I went into labor. It was nothing more than a backache that seemed to go away when I was upright. I spent the whole night sitting in a wooden rocking chair wondering if this were just another false start (I had had at least 3 by then). By sun up I was feeling more sure that this was IT. But a call to Roseanne was in order. She was very reassuring and asked me to call back when things picked up. Then she called me back about 15 minutes later and said she wanted to come and check me. I didn’t ask what changed her mind, but later she told me it was instinct. When she arrived at 7:30, I was 5 cm dilated. I was in labor! I called my friend, Jan, and she picked up Helen Wessel (author of The Joy of Natural Childbirth) and they arrived by 8:30. I spent my time walking around our little apartment and watching all the preparations. I didn’t really notice the contractions. I had the baby at 9:05 a.m. We were thrilled with the peaceful birth and that we had a girl. I had told God in my prayers during the months of waiting that I would never complain if I had all boys, but that my heart’s desire was for a daughter. And here she was! What more could a person ask for?

As the months passed I became more settled in to mothering and being a godly wife. I struggled with things, as I still do, but I had an understanding of how God had intervened in my life that I never had before. I was so incredibly grateful but the thought of another baby was never real to me. I really believed that God had blessed me so much, how could I even think of another. When Kelli was almost two, God moved again and we conceived. Joe had just returned from a 6 month deployment. James joined us with another homebirth. It was a more difficult labor, but I learned that I could do hard things too, if God was with me.

The years have passed and the babies have continued to come. Two years after James, John joined us. Another homebirth. Two and a half years later, we had Stephen at home. Two years later, Kelli got her little sister, Mary Rose. Also a homebirth. Two years after that, Mark joined our family as well. Of course, another homebirth. Each of these experiences has shaped me as a mother and as a child of God. He has shown me things I never would have understood if I had continued in my headstrong ways.

During all the intervening years since 1984, our family has moved many times. I hate to leave my friends, but each move has proved to be a place to share with hurting women what God has done for me. I feel a sense of duty to share what God has done so that other women may be spared what I have had to struggle through. I still do not have Joe’s 100% support for our family to continue to grow. He is apprehensive. But he is still struggling with his relationship with the Lord and I continue to pray for him.

I am convinced now that fertility is a gift from God that we meddle with to our own sorrow. I know many women who are full of grief at the children they will not have. I know many families sorry for the decision to cut off this most intimate part of their lives because they were so sure they knew what they could handle. I know many families now that still believe that they can do what they like in this area because God has given them freedom. I believed that, too, once. All I can say now is, only God knows what you can handle. Only God knows what plans He has for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Only God knows how many people He needs to carry out His plans and how they should be placed in this world. He changed my heart in ways that those who knew me then are still surprised to see. He has been gracious and merciful beyond my wildest dreams and has brought me to my knees in gratitude for the gifts He has bestowed on me. He has given me children, but He has given me so much more through them. He has blessed our household even when we didn’t understand what a blessing it was.

Patti Spears, 1998

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Post Script, 1999

As the new year begins, I am again pregnant. This little blessing will join us in April, Lord willing. We have had some major changes in our lives, Joe’s retirement from the Navy and our move to West Virginia. Each time something new happens in our family, I am impressed again with how God has been active in our lives. We are so blessed. I never expected to be having a new baby when my oldest son has just turned 20, but God has such interesting ideas about families. I don’t think I could plan things better if I tried. So, I am prepared to give my life to Him completely and see how the next chapter unfolds.

Post Script, April 1999

Our ninth child has arrived, safe and sound, and in a most unexpected way. We had a son on March 13, David Kenneth. He was 4 weeks early due to a surprise placenta previa that necessitated a cesarean section delivery. It is probably the most difficult experience I have been through in a long time, because I was required to surrender all to allow this child to be born safely. I felt God’s grace and peace with me in a special way the whole day this event unfolded. I prayed for release from this trial, but God only gave me more grace. I am ever so grateful for the help that allowed both of us to survive this scary and dangerous event, but I am also saddened at the loss of the special experience a natural, home birth can be. Now I am faced with some new questions in my journey of surrender to God’s will. How can I face another pregnancy now, at the age of 40, with a scarred uterus and 9 previous pregnancies? I am frightened of the possibilities but also I know that God has never let me down in His directives to me. I am going to have to do some real thinking and praying over the next few months as I try to reconcile my faith with my all-too-human fears. That is part of the Christian faith that never ends, the seeking and the praying for wisdom.

Copyright ©1998-1999 Patti Spears. All rights reserved.

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